Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. But before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you a couple of questions. Make sure you tell the truth because if you don't, we'll have to ask you to visit the beast below. Your answers will also determine what kind of car you will get. You have to have a car here in heaven because it is so huge!" St. Peter asked the first man, "How long were you married?" The guy replied, "24 years." St. Peter then asked, "Did you ever cheat on your wife?" The guy said, "Yeah, about 10 times... but you said I was forgiven." Peter said, "Yes, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive." The second guy got the same questions from Peter to which he replied, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her only once, but that was during our first year and we worked it out. I was faithful thereafter." Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that. Here's a Mercedes SUV for you to drive." The third guy said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!" Peter said, "Now that's what I like to hear! Here's a Jaguar for you to drive." A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk, so they went to see what was the matter. When they asked him what was wrong he tearily said, "I just saw my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
This is a test for men only, however, women will also benefit by reviewing them so that they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives. 1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire earth. You decide to: A. Present it to the President of the United States. B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations. C. Take it apart. 2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most? A. Innocence B. Idealism C. Cherry bombs. 3. When is it okay to kiss another male? A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions. B. When he is the Pope (but not on the lips)! C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is: A. A cat. B. A dog. C. A dog that eats cats. 5 You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say? A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it. B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope. C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen. 6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her? A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner. B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her. C. Tell her what? 7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is: A. "Do they need to eat or anything?" B. "They're in school already?" C. "We have three of them?" 8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear? A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs. B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers. C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, (but this would be his wife) is secretly and sneakely trying to discard his underwear. 9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement? A. Democracy. B. Religion. C. Remote control. 10. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land? A. He was being tested. B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there. C. He refused to ask for directions. Of course all "real men" will have answered "C" to all of these questions. As Carl Marx said...... "Truth flies out the door when rumor comes innuendo."
pussy gets wet !!! One day a fish was swimming along in a stream when it saw a fly hovering 4 inches off of the water. Thought the fish to itself, "If that fly drops 2 inches I can jump and eat it." A bear on one side of the stream sees the fish looking at the fly and thinks to itself, "If that fly drops two inches I can grab the fish as it jumps for the fly." A hunter on the opposite side of the stream sees the bear, but hasn't got a clear shot, and thinks to himself, "If that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump to eat the fly and the bear will move to get the fish, and I can shoot the bear." A little mouse is hiding in the bushes eyeing the hunters sandwich which had a piece of cheese on it, but in fear of the hunter the mouse thought," If that fly drops two inches the fish will jump to eat the fly, the bear will move to get the fish, the hunter will move to get the bear, and I can get the cheese." A cat in a tree on the other side of the stream sees the mouse hunkered in the bushes, and thinks to itself," If that fly drops two inches the fish will jump to eat the fly, the bear will move to catch the fish, the hunter will move to shoot the bear, and the mouse will move to get the cheese...and I can get the mouse!" So the fly drops 2 inches and the fish jumps to eat the fly, the bear runs out and grabs the fish, the hunter moves and shoots the bear, the mouse scurries and gets the cheese, and the cat jumps from the tree across the stream, but misses, and lands in the stream. The moral of this story is...If the fly drops two inches...Pussy gets wet!
Slobodan Milosevic died and arrived at the door of Heaven where stood the Angle Micheal. Micheal asked slobodan what he was doing here. "i want to come into Heaven" replied Slobodan. Micheal laughed and told him to go to hell. the next day Micheal was in Heaven when he heard people knocking at Heaven's door. he opened it only to find a long line of demons and sinners from hell. "what are you doing up here" asked a puzzeled Micheal. a sinner replied "Slobodan is raising genocide down in hell, we are the first wave of refugees!"
This girl meets a guy in a nightlcub, and she recognises him as a very famous ahtlete, who has succeeded in many sports. Because he is so famous, a lot of the major companies has decided to offer him sponsorship and have their logos tattooed onto him. They both really fancy eachother, so after drinks, they go to a hotel. The guy takes his shirt off, she sees a Nike tick logo on his arm. He then takes his trousers off, and displays a Reebok logo on his foot. Finally he takes his boxer shorts off and reveals the letters AIDS on his member. The woman shrieked, "I am not going to do it with a man with AIDS". The guy smiled and said, "no dear, I am also sponsored by Addidas!".
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want!" Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want!" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!
Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore, how do we quit?" The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours." So the nuns left thinking, "What can I do that's unholy?" The next day they went to the mother one at a time. The mother said tot he first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?" and the nun said "I stole a kid's bike." The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water. When the nun did she wasn't a nun anymore and she left the convent. The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!" The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water." The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?" The third nun said proudly, "I pissed in the holy water!"
Crime does pay :~ I find that real life situation are often the funniest ----------------------------------------------------- *** Attacker Wins Lottery on Weekend Out of Jail Wed Aug 11,10:42 AM ET LONDON (Reuters) - A convicted r_pist serving a lengthy jail sentence has won $13 million on Britain's national lottery, a newspaper reported Wednesday. Iorworth Hoare was on weekend release from a low-security prison when he bought his winning ticket for last Saturday's Lotto Extra draw, the Sun said. Hoare was nearing the end of a life sentence after being jailed in 1989 for attempted r_pe. The length of a life sentence is at the discretion of the judge. He had previously served sentences for r_pe, attempted r_pe, and indecent assault. Hoare's celebrations were cut short though when he when he was moved to another a higher-security prison for his own safety, the Sun said. The Prison Service said prisoners were allowed to play the lottery and claim a prize. "We are aware a prisoner on release on a temporary license has participated in the lottery, and we understand that he has won a substantial amount," a Prison Service spokesman told Reuters. Lottery operator Camelot said it was not able to confirm or deny the report. The near-$39 million Lotto Extra jackpot was shared by three winning tickets, a spokesman said.
Accident or Tragedy? George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy. One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Bush, "that would be an accident." A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss." The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy." "That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President. "Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."
stairway to Heaven a politician died and went to the stairway to Heaven. the gaurd gave him a box of chalk and told him to write a sin commited on each step until he reached Heaven. the gaurd also said the he will never reach Heaven as long as he has not finish writing down all his sins. so the politician took a step and wrote down a sin he had commited. he repeated this process on each step up the stairs as he was instructed. after a substantial period of time the politician went down the stairs to the gaurd who was surprised to see him. "what are you down down here?" asked the gaurd. "i need more chalk" was the reply.
3 old friends were sitting down in a badminton hall waiting for the 4th old man to arrive so that they could have a game of doubles. as they waited, they started a conservation about how well their sons were doing. "my son is doing so great in the stock market that last month he gave his best friend USD 200K in stocks" boasted oldman1. oldman2 not wanting to feel small replied "my son jack is a great car salesman. he's doing so well that just last mont he gave his hair dresser friend a brand new sports car. "my son is making millions in his real estate business. why he just gave a friend of his a condo unit for his birthday" said the proud oldman3. at that moment oldman4 arrived and sat down with the other 3. oldman1 being curious asked oldman4 how his son was doing. "i not happy with my son" said oldman4. he's just a hairdresser and he's gay". oldman2 asked if oldman4's son was still living with him and if his son was still dependent on him. "oh, no. financially he's quite sound. just last month he received a sports car, a condo unit, and USD 200K in stocks from his gay lovers. so i dont actually worry much about him". the three oldman's jaws dropped. needless to say no badminton was played that night.
fly fly, fly! a little boy was experimenting with his pet fly, named fly. 1) first he told the fly to fly and the fly flew and landed on its legs . he wrote down his obs 'when told to fly, fly flew'. 2) he pulled off 1 leg and told the fly "fly fly, fly. and once again the fly flew. tho in pain. he wrote down his obs 'with 1 leg pulled out, when told to fly, fly flew'. 3) he pulled off a second leg and told fly to fly. in pain the fly flew though not as 'gacefull' as before. he wrote down his obs 'with 2 legs pulled out, when told to fly, fly flew'. 4)... 5)... 6)... 7) he pulled of the sixth leg and ordered the fly to fly. still the fly flew and landed with a bump as it had no more legs to land on. he wrote down his obs 'with no legs left, when told to fly, fly flew'. 8) he then pulled out 1 wing which left the fly with only one wing left. he then told the fly to fly. the fly in total pain flapped and flapped its wings and somehow managed to fly for a very short period and fell back down. he wrote down his obs 'with no legs and 1 wing left, when told to fly, fly flew'. 9) he pulled out the second wing and told the fly to fly. the fly didnt fly. surprised the boy said in a higher tone "Fly Fly, Fly!" but still the fly did not fly. he then shouted "FLY FLY, FLY!" but the fly did not fly. frustrated the boy repeatedly shouted "FLY FLY, FLY! FLY FLY, FLY! FLY FLY, FLY! FLY FLY, FLY!" until he was exhausted but the fly still did not fly. then he wrote down his observation 'when all 6 legs and 2 wings were pulled out, fly becomes deaf.' moral of this story is to teach our children to make the right conclusions from observations. ps. this was told in a teachers seminar.
im not going into the religion topic. just too sensitive a subject and not my forte. its just a joke and why wouldnt/cant Mother Theresa or Pope John Paul go to Heaven? confused again
Jacques the French fighter pilot in WW1 Jacques an ace fighter pilot was in a room with a woman highly seduced by his charms and reputation. they were hugging when the lady who wanted to get things going whispered in his ear "do you want to taste my red lips darling?" immediately the he splashes red wine on her face to her puzzlement and he said "im Jacques the French fighter pilot! when i have my red meat i must have my red wine!" and he proceeded to kiss her face passionately. then being a naughty girl she said to him "lower darling lower!" he then suddenly splashed white wine over her 'chest' and said "im Jacques the French fighter pilot! when i have my white white meat i must have my white wine" and proceeded to carress her. then being a very-very naughty girl she cried "LOWER DARLING, LOWER!" then he splashed alcohol on her lower region and threw a lit match on it setting it on fire and said "im Jacques the French fighter pilot! when i go down I GO DOWN IN FLAMES!"
store policy A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes." he replies. "Well where is the dog?" asks the cashier. "My dog is at home." replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy", says the cashier. So with that the man leaves the dog food and leaves the store. Next day the man goes back to the same store, grabs what he needs and goes to the same cashier. He places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do", replies the man. "Well where is your cat sir?" asks the cashier. "My cat is at home" says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food" says the cashier. So with that the man leaves the store empty handed again. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." So the cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm." she says. "Yes, that is right." says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
the spoon Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the waitpersons had a spoon in their pocket. When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift." As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
