I think you might appreciate this one.True Story as told by a co-worker Snowmans Revenge: An idiot in the neighborhood was going around at night with his big 4x4 and was running over the local childrens snowmen.Well my co-worker decided enough was enough.He planned it out and decided to make a special snowman for this idiot.He waited with telephone in hand for him to come and do his worst and sure enough he showed up .Little did he know however that this snowman was infact the firehydrant of the street.Well sure enough he broke it off but got high centered and my co-worker called 911 to report the idiot who had the silly explaination that he thought it was a snowman.
nice and slow a travelling salesman drops by a local farm, and walking towards the door he is greeted by a 3 legged pig, with missing ear, and half a rump. as the farmer approaches the salesman, the salesman comments "I can't help but notice, that must be the sorriest ugliest pig he ever did see." "hey now, don't go disrepecting this pig. he's the smartest bravest pig in the entire world. one night when the house was on fire the entire family was knocked out by smoke, and he rushed in and dragged each of us out of the house to safety. "and that's how he lost his leg, and ear and ass?" quizzed the salesman "no, but another time while i was on the tractor, the machine flipped and pinned me down underneath, and the thrasher was close to taking off my head. this here pig ran out across the field and dragged me out from under that tractor saving my life once again." says the farmer. "oh, and the pig lost those parts in saving you from the tractor?" "no - no - no! you ain't hearing me at all!" the farmer exclaimed. "with the smartest bravest pig in the world, you don't go and eat him all at once...."
Deep thoughts....... If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? If the police arrest a mime, does he still have the right to remain silent? Do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? If a pit bull humps your leg you’d better fake an orgasm. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. Live every day as if it were your last. Eventually you’ll be right. The easiest way to find something that’s lost is to buy a replacement. How come when you open a can of evaporated milk it’s still there? If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already. Guns don't kill people - Husbands who come home early kill people. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic? Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
HAHAHA,Where is this citibank located? I used to work as customer service in Citibank (HK) Credit card center. If we receive this kind of call,we won't answer the customer for details.Instead,we just obtain the customer's information and transfer the line to collection department. As I know,collector will ask for the certificate of dealth and negotiate the repayment with the family of the dead.All the actions will be done with the obligation of law. Sounds funny this joke,I think the CSR must be very green on dealing such case.haha.
too many to list "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —George W. Bush, Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 "I'm not the expert on how the Iraqi people think, because I live in America, where it's nice and safe and secure." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 23, 2004 "I cut the taxes on everybody. I didn't cut them. The Congress cut them. I asked them to cut them." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Aug. 6, 2004 "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004 "Let me put it to you bluntly. In a changing world, we want more people to have control over your own life." —George W. Bush, Annandale, Va, Aug. 9, 2004 "Recession means that people's incomes, at the employer level, are going down, basically, relative to costs, people are getting laid off." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Feb. 19, 2004 "When a drug comes in from Canada, I wanna make sure it cures ya, not kill ya... I've got an obligation to make sure our government does everything we can to protect you. And one — my worry is that it looks like it's from Canada, and it might be from a third world." —George W. Bush, presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 "Then you wake up at the high school level and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 23, 2004
honda Mr Honda, of the Honda Motor Corporation, died and went to heaven for judgement. At the gates, St. Peter told Mr Honda, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven. "Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him". St. Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" God said, "Ah, yes. Indeed I am". "Well," said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your design. "1- There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2- It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3- Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5- Plus the monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous, and don't even get me started talking about the maintenance costs." "Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God, "Lets have a wee look." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment God said, "Well, it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.."
Sometimes it's better to be quiet... > A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits was that of > breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." > > The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year." They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, This bull mated 120 times last year." > > The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You > could learn a lot from him." They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." > > The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one." > > The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow." > > The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and he is expected to make a full recovery.
Agree. There is no recovery for the husband, never, if he has to perform like the cow from then on. He is better off always staying in stable recovering condition.
this is a good one (it's actually an article though) Pressed to impress By MARY SCHNEIDER WHEN it comes to clothes you’re just way too predictable. That’s been your problem for a while now,†a good friend announced the other day while I was shopping for a new dress at a Penang shopping mall. Â* “No, I’m not,†I said, sounding a little defensive. “Besides, why does predictable have to be seen as a problem?â€Â* “Because you end up wearing the same clothes that just about everyone else your age is wearing, that’s why.â€Â* “Is there something wrong with that?â€Â* “Not if you want to look like any other middle-aged woman out there. It’s like you’ve slipped into wearing a fortysomething uniform.â€Â* “But I feel okay the way I am.â€Â* “For example, take that dress you’ve just chosen,†she said, ignoring my statement of contentment.Â* I studied the little black number in my hand. “What’s wrong with this dress?â€Â* “It doesn’t say anything about you as individual expect BORING.â€Â* “Oh, I thought this dress said mature yet sassy,†I said, trying to keep a straight face.Â* My friend emitted a camel-like snort, an obvious sign that she was not amused by my inane remark.Â* I sighed and cocked my head to one side. “Okay, tell me what I should be wearing to stand out from the crowd. What are the movers and shakers of our generation wearing these days?â€Â* “Come with me,†commanded the camel.Â* I returned my predictable little black number to its rack and meekly followed her to another section of the shop. “There!†she said, pointing at a few racks of brightly-coloured dresses. “Any one of these would look wonderful on you.â€Â* As I took in the psychedelic scene in front of me, I felt a hot flush coming on.Â* “Those aren’t really my colours,†I said firmly yet politely, trying not to hurt my friend’s feelings.Â* “Try this one on!†commanded the camel, thrusting a lime green number into my hand.Â* Camels are notorious for taking the hump when they are ignored, so I decided to humour her.Â* I retreated to a changing cubicle the size of a telephone booth, and after much contorting of limbs, I managed to squeeze my body into the miniscule dress.Â* “What’s it like?†asked my friend from the other side of the changing room door.Â* “It really isn’t me. I don’t know why I allowed you to persuade me to try it on in the first place.â€Â* “Let me have a look!â€Â* I slowly opened the door – any quick movements might have caused that frock to come apart at the seams.Â* “It looks wonderful,†trilled my friend. Â* “Wonderful? I look as if I’m trapped inside a green popsicle. How can you possibly say I look wonderful? Besides, I can’t breathe very well.†Â* “But you look great and that’s all that matters.â€Â* “All that matters! Breathing is more important, surely. Also, how am I expected to sit down? Don’t forget I need this for a dinner date. There’s definitely no room for expansion in this frock.â€Â* “You mean to say you’re actually intending to eat on your date?â€Â* “Well, isn’t that what one largely does on a dinner date?â€Â* “No, that is not what one largely does on a dinner date.â€Â* “Okay, enlighten me, please. What does one largely DO on a dinner date?â€Â* “Well ? you know ?â€Â* “I don’t know. Tell me!â€Â* “Well, first of all, you want to look as good as possible for as long as possible, and you can’t do that with a bulging stomach and pieces of spinach stuck between your teeth.â€Â* “Who said I was going to have pieces of anything stuck between my teeth?â€Â* “You have to admit that some people don’t look too attractive when they eat.â€Â* “Well, isn’t it better that my date finds out what I’m really like as soon as possible?â€Â* “No, you get him hooked first, reel him in, then he will be so taken by you that you can afford to be more relaxed around him.â€Â* “Sounds like a fishing competition to me. Why can’t I just be relaxed around him from the beginning?â€Â* The camel snorted again. “If you want to lose him to someone a little more sophisticated, by all means, be yourself.â€Â* “I understand about creating a good impression, but he’s never seen me dressed up like a popsicle before. What if he doesn’t like the popsicle look? Even worse, what if he DOES like the popsicle look and expects me to always look like a frozen treat? In any case, does this really have to be this complicated?â€Â* “Well, it’s up to you.â€Â* I stared at my friend in disbelief. Could a mature woman in her late 40s really be giving me such advice?Â* I closed the changing room door and surveyed my reflection in the mirror again. What exactly had I learnt after 46 years of living? Could I reduce myself to nothing more than a piece of bait on the end of a fishing hook and feel happy when it came to reeling in the catch?Â* A short while later, I emerged from the changing room and passed the unsuitable frock back to the shop assistant.Â* The camel stared in disbelief. “But I thought you looked wonderful.â€Â* “Maybe so, but I’ve decided that this mover is going to shake her body back over to that boring little black number.â€Â* “I tho you wanted my advice.â€Â* “I did, but I’m not interested in fishing.â€Â* The camel snorted again. “Why ever not?â€Â* “Because there’s only one sort of fish I’m interested in, and it comes in a tangy sauce with a side order of spinach, washed down with a few glasses of chardonnay and followed by a sinful chocolate dessert.â€Â* Perhaps the little black number shouldn’t be too little.Â*
would u after reading this? --------------------------------------- MAINTAINING A DISTANCE OF 5 PACES BEHIND!!! Barbara Walters of 20/20 (USA-ABC Television) did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said, "Land mines." MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN!!
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call. lol..dumb americans ^.^
One Day In The Garden Of Eden Eve called out to God to come down to talk to her. God: What's the problem, Eve? Eve: Well, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals and that hillarious snake, but I'm just not happy. God: Why is that? Eve: I am lonely and I'm sick to death of apples God: Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. Eve: What's a man, God? God: This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll generally give you a hard time. But...he'll be bigger and faster, and can help protect you, and will like to hunt and kill things to eat. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice sometimes to think properly. Eve: Sounds great. What's the catch? God: Well... you can have him on one condition. Eve: What's that, God? God: As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" says Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."
It was the last night of the Natonal Rhyme Off competition. The two finalist waited in their respective sound proof stations. All the TV Networks were covering the show. The first finalist, John, was a professor of literature from Harvard and he approached the kiosk for the final word. The host reminded John of the rules - "I'll give you the word John and then you have 20 seconds to make a ryme using the word that I give you". "John the final word is Timbuktu - you have 20 seconds". John is deep in thought and within 10 seconds says, "Across the scorched and burning sands, Marched the brave and noble bands. Side by side and two by two, All the way to Timbuktu!" The crowd was delirious and after getting the applause calmed down the host called out contestant number 2. Billy Bob was a pig farmer from Arkansas and again the host went over the rules. When Billy Bob was ready the host gave him the word - "Timbuktu". Well Billy Bob sorta stared off into space kinda like a cow chewing a cud - at 19 seconds Billy Bob spoke. "Tim and me a huntin went, Found three maidens in a tent. I was young and kinda new, I bucked one and Tim bucked two!"
LOL! how unlike watson though.. to be able to come out with so much deductions!! knowing him, he'd probalby only come out with the first one, and then conclude that he fails to surmise anything further.
> Mathematics, Malaysian-style > > I find it most alarming that Malaysian schools teach our children the wrong > things. I mean: can the children really apply what they are taught in school > later in life? For example, can you imagine a mathematics question in a > recent examination as follows? > > "If an egg costs fifty Sen, and if you buy one-eighth of the egg, how much > would you have to pay?" > > Who in heaven's name will want to buy one-eighth of an egg? The shopkeeper > will probably think you are crazy and he will be equally stupid to break the > egg and measure one-eighth for you. Yet, this is how they structure the > questions in Malaysian schools. Why not pose questions that would be more > useful later in life when you go out into the world to earn your living? To > help Malaysia's Ministry of Education better prepare our students to face > the realities of life, we are suggesting some questions they could use in > our classrooms. > > QUESTION 1 > > If you drive from Kuala Lumpur to Penang along the PLUS Highway and there > are four speed traps along the way, and if each speed trap would cost you > RM300.00 in fines, how much in fines would you accumulate by the time you > reach Penang? > > ANSWER (Choose one) > > 1.. I would not suffer any fines as the oncoming cars would flash their > headlights and I would slow down before coming to the speed trap. > 2.. I would only need to pay a total of RM80.00 as I would pay a RM20.00 > bribe at each speed trap. > 3.. I would not be stopped as I am an UMNO Wakil Rakyat so I am exempted > from speed traps. > > QUESTION 2 > > If your Bumiputera company is awarded a RM150 million government contract, > and you make a 20% profit, how much profit would your company make at the > end of the contract period? > > ANSWER (Choose one) > > 1.. I will not be making a 20% profit as I would have to pay the Minister > 10% and UMNO 5%. > 2.. I would make 30% profit, which is the progress payment I receive, > after which I will abandon the project and let the government call for a > re-tender. > 3.. My company will not make any profit at all as I will siphon out all > the profits and show a loss to avoid paying corporate tax. > > QUESTION 3 > > If the ruling party obtained 54% of the popular votes the last election and > won 151 or 80% of the seats, and if it saw an increase of 10% in votes this > election, how many more seats would it gain? > > ANSWER (Choose one) > > 1.. The ruling party will not show a 10% increase in votes, as it will > stuff the ballot box with another 20% to give it a 30% vote increase. > 2.. The ruling party will win an additional 25 seats, which are the newly > created seats in the delineation exercise recently done. > 3.. The ruling party has already decided it will win 90% of the seats and > the votes have nothing to do with it. > > QUESTION 4 > > If the national petroleum company, Petronas, pays a 5% royalty to Terengganu > State and if the amount paid is RM800,000,000 per year, how much should > Petronas have in the bank accumulated over the last 25 years? > > ANSWER (Choose one) > > 1.. Nobody is supposed to know as Petronas need not show its accounts to > anyone except the Prime Minister and this information comes under the > Official Secrets Act. > 2.. Petronas earns only 50% of its petroleum revenue from Terengganu so > Petronas' total income accumulated in the banks over 25 years should be > RM800 billion. > 3.. Petronas has nothing accumulated in the bank as all the money has been > spent bailing out failed banks and crony companies and to finance mega > projects.
i'd like to rectify that in all my years of exams and math questions, i have never come across any such questions!