Wife is at home and texts her husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen." Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water on it slowly." Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely screwed up now."
A famous magician does a wonderful trick during a performance. A man in the audience yells out "How did you do that?" The magician warns him "I could tell you, but then I would have to kill you." The man thinks about it and then replies "Could you tell my wife?
The punchline "makakalaban" means somebody you'll fight with or compete with. In this context, the greater joke would be if John had said you'll be OUR OPPONENT tomorrow", denoting that Peter will be from the opposing team of heaven, hence Peter will be going to Hell. That's makes better sense of a joke cause going to hell would be bad news indeed for Peter.
Two Italian men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The two fought and one KILLED the other to have the lady. Two American men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - They both had the lady TOGETHER. Two French men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - They killed the lady to have EACH OTHER. Two Indonesian men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The first man claimed that island is independent and took the lady as his advisor. - The second man swam to another island to search for jobs. Two Thai men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The first man rented the lady to the second man for 2 baht a night. Two Filipino men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The first man kidnapped the lady and asked for ransom from the other man. Two Malaysian men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The lady ACCUSED the first man of sodomizing the other because she was rejected by both. Two Singaporean men and a lady stranded on a desert island; - The two men are still waiting for instructions from the government on how to proceed.
Which school are you in?? Asked a lady to a kid who was standing on roadside in his white and blue uniform... he didn't reply.. Lady noticed the kid, following days too... he was wearing the same uniform... she thought that he doesn't have another dress to change. she decided to donate some of her kids clothes to him.. Next day she offered the dress to him, which he politely denied to take it.. Then he disappeared for a while.. After 2 or 3 years later, he came back again in the same uniform.. this time lady decided to buy him new clothes, which he denied again... lady asked him, if he shifted to a new school or was in the same school. Is the unifrom still white and blue? To which he replied nothing The scene continued for some years, after 10-15 years.. every 2-3 years the kid comes wearing the same uniform... this time lady approached him with some money and told him to stop going to school and do some business thus make some money... he denied again.. that lady's husband happen to see this kid for the first time.. he called his wife and went to the kitchen with her.. the guy took an old CUP and gave it to her, asked his wife to give it to the kid.. She was surprised, why give an empty, why not pour some tea into it and give it to him.. Husband said, give the empty cup he'll be happy... to the lady's surprise the boy accepted the cup and was happy.. She was curious, how did her husband find out what did the kid want? she asked this to her husband.. Her husband replied, that wasn't a school unform but an Argentine Jersey
Humor about the funny things in life Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, And Nobody This is a little story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done
It's game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court. He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there. He responds, "No, the seat's empty." "The first man exclaims, "What?!? Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?" The neighbor responds, "Well the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we haven't been together." The first man responds," I'm sorry to hear that. Wasn't there anyone else, a friend or relative, that could've taken that seat?" The neighbor responds, "No, they're all at the funeral."
A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate... what is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?!?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right. At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?" "Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."
Two guys were playing golf. On the tee, Jack hit his shot way left of the fairway in some buttercups. Bob proceeded to hit and his ball went way off to the right in the bushes. Jack eventually found his ball and proceeded to hit in the buttercups. All of a sudden, he heard a big *POOF* and a fairy appeared. She proceeded to say to Jack that she was Mother Nature and that she was really upset at him for damaging the buttercups. She said, ''Jack, for all the damage that you did to my buttercups, you will not have any butter to put on your toast in the morning for the next month. No, as a matter of fact, I am so upset at you that you won't have any butter for the whole next year! That should teach you a lesson so you won't hurt my creations." *POOF* She disappeared. Jack, stunned by what just happened, called out, "Bob! Bob! Come over here here quick!" Bob replied, "Wait a sec. I'm hitting my shot and I'll be right over." Jack yelled back at Bob, "Where are you?" Bob answered, "I'm over here in the pussy willows." Jack shouted back, "Don't swing Bob! For the love of God, don't swing!"
Did you hear the one about Donald Trump running for US President? Oh, wait... Well, did you hear the one about him winning?! Er...
Had a fight with my wife the other night...she threw some chopped lettuce at me. And that's just the tip of the iceberg.
I was lying in bed looking at my wife, and said 'You know, you remind me of the Lottery' 'Why's that?' she replied, 'do you feel like you've won the jackpot?' 'No, I wish you'd roll-over'
Got home from work the other day to find the wife in the kitchen, stripped from the waist up, rubbing lotion onto her boobs. 'What on earth are you doing?' I asked. 'It's the latest product..."Breast Enlarging Cream"...only £50!' she replied. '50 quid! All you needed to do was get some toilet-roll paper and rub it up and down your cleavage' I said. 'Why would that work?' she demanded. 'Well, it's worked on your arse...'
