nah, politican jokes are endless
make your own caption
Don't walk so fast, I have problem catching up.
Jokes
- Thread starter Gessle
- Start date
Don't walk so fast, I have problem catching up.
ctjcad
Regular Member
Banking (financial) jokes..
..some of you have probably seen these; if not, enjoy!
Banking Jokes
-A trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
-President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
-George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers. His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
-The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.
-There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
-How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
-What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
-Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
-For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
-If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in derivatives, God bless you.
-What's the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.
-What's the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
-Lehmann have changed their recommendation on Lehmann from hold to sell.
..and last but not least...
-Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, I'd have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized.
..some of you have probably seen these; if not, enjoy!
Banking Jokes
-A trader: "This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."
-President Bush said clients shouldn't be concerned by all these bank closings. If the bank is closed, you just use the ATM, he said.
-George Bush said that he is saddened to hear about the demise of Lehman brothers. His thoughts at this time go out to their mother as losing one son is hard but losing two is a tragedy.
-The problem with investment bank balance sheets is that on the left side nothing is right and on the right side nothing is left.
-There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.
-How do you define optimism? A banker who irons 5 shirts on a Sunday.
-What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.
-Why are all MBAs going back to school? To ask for their money back.
-For Geography students: What's the capital of Iceland? Answer: About Three Pounds Fifty...
-If you want to gamble, go to Las Vegas. If you want to trade in derivatives, God bless you.
-What's the difference between a guy who just lost everything in Vegas and an investment banker? A tie.
-What's the difference between a bond and a bond trader? A bond matures.
-Lehmann have changed their recommendation on Lehmann from hold to sell.
..and last but not least...
-Forty years ago I sold fifty shares of my company stock and had enough money to purchase a brand-new 1967 Ford pickup. Last week, I checked it out, and if I sold another fifty shares, I'd have enough money to buy a 1967 Ford pickup. So, the market has stabilized.
The Guide To Profits
A man from the city put out an ad in a smalltown newspaper.
Every Friday, he would buy monkeys at $10 each.
They could be of any size, colour or age.
The town had plenty of monkeys and people had little to do.
Soon the residents got busy, fanning out and capturing monkeys.
Fridays were good as the man paid immediately.
By the third week, monkeys had become scarce.
However, the man raised his offer to $25 for each monkey.
The residents went out again and caught more monkeys.
Friday was again money day.
In the fifth week, there were hardly any monkeys around.
But when the man upped his offer to $50, people went out again.
They scoured the surrounding woods and caught more monkeys.
That Friday, a lot of people made a lot of money.
When week six arrived, there wasn't a single monkey left.
Although the offer was now $100 per monkey, no one found any.
Before he left that Friday, the man raised his offer to $200 per monkey.
That whole week, the residents hunted high and low for monkeys.
They trekked deep into the woods, studied birdcalls and even telephoned neighbouring towns.
But not one could find a monkey.
All seemed lost until an old lady stumbled on the campers just outside town.
There were three men, two dogs, two cages of birds and 300 cages of monkeys.
The good news was that the birds and monkeys were for sale.
The bad news was that they were heading for the city to sell them.
Over beer, someone asked the campers how much the buyer in the city would be paying for the monkeys.
$100 per monkey, said one of the men.
The residents quickly and silently did the math.
"How about we buy them from you at that rate?" they offered. "And you save on the transportation charges and your time."
It didn't take much time for the campers to see the logic.
Within the hour, 300 cages of monkeys were sold to the townsfolk.
No one bought any birds.
That Friday, everyone was in amazing spirits.
It was profit day and the margin was cent percent.
Except for one little thing.
The man didn't turn up.
Welcome to Wall Street, folks.
A man from the city put out an ad in a smalltown newspaper.
Every Friday, he would buy monkeys at $10 each.
They could be of any size, colour or age.
The town had plenty of monkeys and people had little to do.
Soon the residents got busy, fanning out and capturing monkeys.
Fridays were good as the man paid immediately.
By the third week, monkeys had become scarce.
However, the man raised his offer to $25 for each monkey.
The residents went out again and caught more monkeys.
Friday was again money day.
In the fifth week, there were hardly any monkeys around.
But when the man upped his offer to $50, people went out again.
They scoured the surrounding woods and caught more monkeys.
That Friday, a lot of people made a lot of money.
When week six arrived, there wasn't a single monkey left.
Although the offer was now $100 per monkey, no one found any.
Before he left that Friday, the man raised his offer to $200 per monkey.
That whole week, the residents hunted high and low for monkeys.
They trekked deep into the woods, studied birdcalls and even telephoned neighbouring towns.
But not one could find a monkey.
All seemed lost until an old lady stumbled on the campers just outside town.
There were three men, two dogs, two cages of birds and 300 cages of monkeys.
The good news was that the birds and monkeys were for sale.
The bad news was that they were heading for the city to sell them.
Over beer, someone asked the campers how much the buyer in the city would be paying for the monkeys.
$100 per monkey, said one of the men.
The residents quickly and silently did the math.
"How about we buy them from you at that rate?" they offered. "And you save on the transportation charges and your time."
It didn't take much time for the campers to see the logic.
Within the hour, 300 cages of monkeys were sold to the townsfolk.
No one bought any birds.
That Friday, everyone was in amazing spirits.
It was profit day and the margin was cent percent.
Except for one little thing.
The man didn't turn up.
Welcome to Wall Street, folks.
ctjcad;1001830 =============================================================== [COLOR="Black" said:HALLOWEEN IS GOING TO SUCK THIS YEAR !![/COLOR] (is cooler going trick or treating??..
tricks of course
here is the trick, one modified jelly bean
-----------------------------------------------
Scientists try to stop hunger with retooled foods
By MARIA CHENG, AP Medical Writer Maria Cheng, Ap Medical Writer Thu Oct 23, 7:58 am ET
LONDON – Want to lose weight? Try eating. That's one of the strategies being developed by scientists experimenting with foods that trick the body into feeling full.
At the Institute of Food Research in Norwich, England, food expert Peter Wilde and colleagues are developing foods that slow down the digestive system, which then triggers a signal to the brain that suppresses appetite.
"That fools you into thinking you've eaten far too much when you really haven't," said Wilde. From his studies on fat digestion, he said it should be possible to make foods, from bread to yogurts, that make it easier to diet.
While the research is preliminary, Wilde's approach to curbing appetite is one that some doctors say could be key in combating the obesity epidemic.
This was texted to me just this morning.
It's in Filipino. I'll translate it the best way I can after the original text.
"Nagkasundo si Juan at Pedro na kung sino ang unang mamatay sa kanila ay babalik para ibalita kung may badminton sa langit. Naunang namatay si Juan kaya bumalik siya isang gabi.
Pedro: Kaw ba yan Juan?
Juan: Ako nga!
Pedro: Para di totoo. O ano? May badminton nga sa langit?
Juan: May mabuti at masama akong balita
Ang mabuti, may badminton nga dun.
Ang masama ... kasali ka at makakalaban ka namin bukas!!!"
Now here's my translation.
"John and Peter had an agreement that whoever dies first, he will come back as a spirit to tell if there's BADMINTON in heaven. John was the first one to die, so he came back one night to talk to Peter.
Peter: Is that you John?
John: Yes, it's me.
Peter: Is it really you? So what? Is there BADMINTON in heaven?
John: I have good news and bad news for you.
The good news is, yes, there is BADMINTON in heaven.
The bad news is ... you'll be joining the tournament tomorrow!!!"
It's in Filipino. I'll translate it the best way I can after the original text.
"Nagkasundo si Juan at Pedro na kung sino ang unang mamatay sa kanila ay babalik para ibalita kung may badminton sa langit. Naunang namatay si Juan kaya bumalik siya isang gabi.
Pedro: Kaw ba yan Juan?
Juan: Ako nga!
Pedro: Para di totoo. O ano? May badminton nga sa langit?
Juan: May mabuti at masama akong balita
Ang mabuti, may badminton nga dun.
Ang masama ... kasali ka at makakalaban ka namin bukas!!!"
Now here's my translation.
"John and Peter had an agreement that whoever dies first, he will come back as a spirit to tell if there's BADMINTON in heaven. John was the first one to die, so he came back one night to talk to Peter.
Peter: Is that you John?
John: Yes, it's me.
Peter: Is it really you? So what? Is there BADMINTON in heaven?
John: I have good news and bad news for you.
The good news is, yes, there is BADMINTON in heaven.
The bad news is ... you'll be joining the tournament tomorrow!!!"
Here's another message texted to me this moring.
Pitong katotohanan sa mundo:
1. Lahat ng nakikita mo ay hindi sa iyo
2. Hindi mo kayang bilanging ang buhok mo
3. Hindi lahat ng ngipin mo ay abot ng dila mo
4. Susubukan ng mga tanga ang pangatlo
5. Ang pangatlo ay mali
6. Mapapangiti ka kasi nagmukha kang tanga
7. Ipapasa mo sa iba para makaganti ka
Alam ko ginawa mo talaga yung pangatlo. Wag ka na magkaila. Hahaha. Kahit ako kala ko hindi ko gagawin, pero ginawa ko pa rin. Sabi ko pa, "Abot naman ah!" LOL
Here's my translation
Seven facts in this world:
1. Not everything you see is yours
2. You can't count the strands of your hair
3. Your tongue wouldn't be able to reach all of your teeth
4. Only fools will do the third of the seven facts
5. The third one is wrong
6. You'll laugh at yourself because you just realized that you're one of the fools.
7. You'll pass this message to get even
I know you checked if the third one is true. Don't deny it. Hahaha. I also tested the third fact, even saying, "Hey! That's not true. I can reach everything." LOL
Pitong katotohanan sa mundo:
1. Lahat ng nakikita mo ay hindi sa iyo
2. Hindi mo kayang bilanging ang buhok mo
3. Hindi lahat ng ngipin mo ay abot ng dila mo
4. Susubukan ng mga tanga ang pangatlo
5. Ang pangatlo ay mali
6. Mapapangiti ka kasi nagmukha kang tanga
7. Ipapasa mo sa iba para makaganti ka
Alam ko ginawa mo talaga yung pangatlo. Wag ka na magkaila. Hahaha. Kahit ako kala ko hindi ko gagawin, pero ginawa ko pa rin. Sabi ko pa, "Abot naman ah!" LOL
Here's my translation
Seven facts in this world:
1. Not everything you see is yours
2. You can't count the strands of your hair
3. Your tongue wouldn't be able to reach all of your teeth
4. Only fools will do the third of the seven facts
5. The third one is wrong
6. You'll laugh at yourself because you just realized that you're one of the fools.
7. You'll pass this message to get even
I know you checked if the third one is true. Don't deny it. Hahaha. I also tested the third fact, even saying, "Hey! That's not true. I can reach everything." LOL
slvrdrgn123
Regular Member
LOL...damn got me.
ctjcad
Regular Member
Hmm..
..As a matter of fact, i'd be thrilled to join a baddy tournament...
..i tried to figure out the killer punchline, but i couldn't get it..This was texted to me just this morning.
It's in Filipino. I'll translate it the best way I can after the original text.
...
The good news is, yes, there is BADMINTON in heaven.
The bad news is ... you'll be joining the tournament tomorrow!!!"
..As a matter of fact, i'd be thrilled to join a baddy tournament.....i tried to figure out the killer punchline, but i couldn't get it..
Chris, the punch line (bad news) is he dies
..is it too late to edit or delete the last statement on my previous post??..
Maybe Kwun can save you
..i tried to figure out the killer punchline, but i couldn't get it..
Hmmm. Sorry ctjcad, but when you said you're thrilled to join the tournament, this made me laugh more than my joke
ctjcad
Regular Member
Imagine this scenario...
...(some of you probably have seen this; if not, enjoy!)
http://www.palinaspresident.us/
..on that note..
With the upcoming U.S.' prez election looming, and yes, this is the beauty of democracy, i will be taking abt a 10-days sabbatical from posting further jokes in this thread. With that in mind, and even if the Man Above already knows the outcome (and is in control), I will be on my knees and hands praying for an incident-free election day and the day after. And hopefully, based on this post below, we shall continue with humor/jokes of the next U.S. prez with ease.
http://www.badmintoncentral.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1004003&postcount=1016
...(some of you probably have seen this; if not, enjoy!)
http://www.palinaspresident.us/
..on that note..
With the upcoming U.S.' prez election looming, and yes, this is the beauty of democracy, i will be taking abt a 10-days sabbatical from posting further jokes in this thread. With that in mind, and even if the Man Above already knows the outcome (and is in control), I will be on my knees and hands praying for an incident-free election day and the day after. And hopefully, based on this post below, we shall continue with humor/jokes of the next U.S. prez with ease.
http://www.badmintoncentral.com/forums/showpost.php?p=1004003&postcount=1016
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I shouldn't be laughing at this, but I can't help it... I attended a badminton training session recently, and one of the coaches names was Mr.****. He told us to just call him ****. Gosh, I'm so immature; I was close to exploding when I heard him say his name the way he did... with so much... enthusiasm... I try really hard to be serious when I meet people with these sort of names. Whose idea was it to name guys **** anyways?
He must have been miserable during his high school life.
speaking of coaches, one time, there was this physical education teacher scolding my friend and 2 of his classmates.
Pointing his finger at the 3 of them one by one, the teacher shouted, "You, you, you ... the both of you. I want to see your mother, your father, and your parents! I want to see them tomorrow ... right now!"
Toink!!!!
chaos2blue
Regular Member
You guys please start using LACKETS ... Malaysian's Pride.
Kindly read the below and you will understand why!! XD ... lol!!
Jokes 'R' Us
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Malaysian Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Singapore : Light bulb
Miss Malaysia : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Singapore : Leopard
Miss Malaysia : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Singapore : Lamborghini
Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Singapore : Lychee
Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Malaysia : LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!
Kindly read the below and you will understand why!! XD ... lol!!
Jokes 'R' Us
One of the main reasons why in recent years the Malaysian Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary level education or higher was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.
It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:
MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Singapore : Light bulb
Miss Malaysia : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"
MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lion
Miss Singapore : Leopard
Miss Malaysia : LABBIT
Judge: No, no, no!
MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"
Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Singapore : Lamborghini
Miss Malaysia : Lolls-Loyce
Judge: Oh my God!
MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lemon
Miss Singapore : Lychee
Miss Malaysia , with full of confidence, smiles and says: LIEWLIAN!!
This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Malaysia should really be disqualified ; and they decided that since Miss Malaysia was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.
Judge: OK, the final question is : Name me a human anatomy starting with the letter "L"
Miss USA : Lung (applause)
Miss Singapore : Liver (even more applause)
Miss Malaysia : LAN CIAU
The Judges fainted..!!!
ctjcad
Regular Member
^^Doesn't that inability..^^
..to pronounce the 'r' letter apply to Japanese people instead of M'sians??..
Anyway, as promised, i'm now back after my 10-days sabbatical (and yes, i did vote).
And with the end of arguably the most watched U.S. Presidential election campaigns in history, in sight & the announcement of the new U.S. President just a few hours away, i just want to break this light humor to you guys....
"The only reason why Obama is in the lead is because all the white people are still at work and haven't voted, yet"
On that note, i want to thank & salute President Bush for those wonderful and memorable 8 yrs as the leader of this country & the free world. Yes, many will point the fingers at you for the decision for the Iraq war which, some say, eventually leads to this current financial/economic crisis. But you stood the ground and did not embarrass the White House like our previous U.S. President did, before you. I'd also like to commend you providing & for being such a good humor to all of us. Never before in the history of the U.S. Presidency has there ever been so many jokes related to you.
I just hope and pray that whoever succeeds you will be as funny if not funnier than you (if he doesn't, our cooler will probably have to dig up something).
..to pronounce the 'r' letter apply to Japanese people instead of M'sians??..
Anyway, as promised, i'm now back after my 10-days sabbatical (and yes, i did vote).
And with the end of arguably the most watched U.S. Presidential election campaigns in history, in sight & the announcement of the new U.S. President just a few hours away, i just want to break this light humor to you guys....
"The only reason why Obama is in the lead is because all the white people are still at work and haven't voted, yet"
On that note, i want to thank & salute President Bush for those wonderful and memorable 8 yrs as the leader of this country & the free world. Yes, many will point the fingers at you for the decision for the Iraq war which, some say, eventually leads to this current financial/economic crisis. But you stood the ground and did not embarrass the White House like our previous U.S. President did, before you. I'd also like to commend you providing & for being such a good humor to all of us. Never before in the history of the U.S. Presidency has there ever been so many jokes related to you.
I just hope and pray that whoever succeeds you will be as funny if not funnier than you (if he doesn't, our cooler will probably have to dig up something).
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